February 8, 2011. The day I finally bought a pregnancy test. I had been wondering and praying for several days and deep down I knew. I just couldn’t believe what I knew! I needed scientific proof. I couldn’t wait one more day! The agony of suspense was making me crazy. I was nervous and shaking and experiencing an array of emotions that are impossible to describe except by saying that I knew this outcome could possibly change my life forever!
The positive sign appeared instantaneously. I’m not kidding. It was like Heavenly Father was enjoying laughing at me at this moment and saying “See, I told you so!” The box had two tests so just for kicks I did the other one too. Same thing. By now He is really getting a chuckle. I had come to the point in my prayers that I had progressed from the unbelief of “This really can’t happen to me right now, it isn’t in my plans”, to the point of “If this is your will for me and my family, if this is what we need right now to progress, then I know that I can do it with thy help”. Now I was facing that reality. Now it was test time. I had a brief feeling of peace, of finally knowing what my path was. That feeling left the instant I realized I had to tell Devron.
That had also been part of my prayers. An intense part, actually. It was one of the reasons that I bought the pregnancy test in the first place because I had been trying to bargain with my Father in Heaven. I had told Him that if I was pregnant, and I was pretty sure that I was, then to confirm it He should let Devron know. He should tell him somehow. That sounds fair, right? At this point I knew He was going to make me do this part, too, and I realize now it was just the beginning of the lessons I needed to learn and the growth I would experience through this whole process. Now that there weren’t any doubts left about my current maternal status it was time to share the news.
Not to make Devron out to be the bad guy. I have complete trust and faith in him as my husband and the father of our family. I knew that he would accept it and believe that bringing a life into the world is never a bad thing. The timing in this case was just really shocking! I knew it would be dropping a bomb on him and I didn’t want to be the one to do it. I also knew it would bring added responsibility to him as the provider for our family and that it would take a while for him to get used to and accept this change in our life plans. As I paced the empty house and grew more and more apprehensive wondering how to handle it best, I realized I had saved (meaning hidden from the kids) some of my favorite cookies in the freezer.
A true emotional eating experience. I lost count. I was nervous and starving and kind of in a surreal situation. I needed Dev’s support before the kids came home from school. I needed him to know before he came home as well, so I didn’t have to look at him and pretend that our lives hadn’t suddenly changed in a very big way. I was sure that I looked different somehow, like that guilty look you catch your kids with sometimes. I was now caught with my hand in the cookie jar—in more ways than one!! I didn’t want to tell him over the phone, either, but I didn’t know how his schedule looked that day, so I did a really smart thing and called to ask him if I could drop by his office. How do you keep your voice calm and even and your tears held back when you are a hormonal, emotional wreck? I was actually sobbing so hard that it took awhile for me to get any words out. After a brief moment of silence, he laughed. Not the response I expected but not a terrible one either! He told me later that he was imagining a lot of worse things that might have happened when I called him in such a frenzied state.
I deeply love this man that I married. The laughter didn’t last very long, and I know he went through a few weeks of disbelief, anger, depression, and just a general feeling of the loss of control of his life, but he was kind. He was sympathetic to the situation this put me in and together we talked, laughed, cried, and learned to accept this change in our lives, just as we have with every challenge that has come our way. Comparatively speaking, our challenges have been small in size and number. We have looked back over our lives several times and recognized that the Lord has led us. He has a hand in our lives and knows the experiences, good and bad, that will bring us back to Him. In seeing the trials of life that some around us are going through, if this is our “challenge” then bring it on because I sincerely believe it will turn out to be one of the greatest blessings we will ever have!!
Just in case you find yourself in a similar predicament, here is the cookie recipe. It won’t let you down!
Peanut Butter-Chocolate Chip Oatmeal Cookies
2 sticks butter, softened
1/2 cup natural peanut butter
1 cup brown sugar
1 cup sugar
2 large eggs
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
3 cups old-fashioned rolled oats
1 1/2 cups whole-wheat flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 cups semisweet chocolate chips
2 cups peanuts or walnuts (my fav)
Natural peanut butter (like Adams) has less sugar and gives the cookies a richer peanut flavor. You can reduce both sugars to 3/4 cup each, or replace them with 1 1/2 cups Rapadura which is a natural, unprocessed sugar that has a molasses hint to it. You can find it at places like Good Earth. My mom is the one that discovered it and started using it in these cookies among other things. It makes them a lot healthier!
Preheat the oven to 350. Mix the butter, peanut butter and sugars until light and fluffy. Mix in eggs and vanilla. Add dry ingredients and mix until just combined. Mix in chocolate chips and nuts. Bake until just set, about 13 minutes. I like to freeze some to keep them fresh (another tip from my mom). They thaw pretty quickly and you can enjoy one whenever you like. Or two, or three . . . Yummy!
