New Life

 

This was a defining moment for me.  The date was August 12, 2010—my 40th birthday.  If I had to choose a picture that represented exactly how I felt at a precise moment, this would be it, even though I was being kind of corny at the time.  I didn’t feel forty.  I felt perfectly content with where I was in the timeline of my life, happy with what had passed and looking forward to living the  rest.  Loved by, and in love with my husband and our five children.  Nothing seemed to be missing.

We hiked to Stewart Falls at Sundance, Utah, because that is what I wanted for my birthday.  I LOVE hiking.  It makes me feel alive and strong and free.  I don’t have to worry about hair and makeup—just lace up my shoes, grab a water bottle and hit the trail.  I like pushing myself to get to the desired destination and the feeling of arriving there.  The mountains, the sunshine, the sweat, the kids complaining, laughing, picking flowers and asking, “How much farther?”  It all makes for a wonderful day.  Especially when my sister, Lacey, is with us to randomly burst out in song.  My life was complete at that moment.  I remember thinking, “What is so bad about being forty?”  And the answer was, “Absolutely nothing!”  I felt like a new part of my life was just beginning.  Ha!

I was so right and so wrong.  Look at these innocent faces, unaware of the plan that fate (otherwise known as divine providence) lay in store for them.  Today I am pregnant.  Fifteen weeks to be exact.  My due date is October 11th, meaning I will be forty-one and our youngest daughter will be nine when this new life is born.  What?  What happened?  I mean, I know what happened, but why?  Why now?  I have had a range of different thoughts and emotions as I have explored answers to these questions.  My hope is to document this experience through blogging, something I have always wanted to do and regret not doing sooner.  I guess I just needed a reason to get started and help from my amazing friend, Jill.  She very graciously (and somewhat forcefully) is helping me with tech support from her husband, Mike.  So this begins my new life at forty!